1 00:01:25,185 --> 00:01:27,813 What time do you call this ? 2 00:01:36,629 --> 00:01:39,291 Er... Half past one. 3 00:01:39,466 --> 00:01:42,526 Where have you been ? 4 00:01:43,336 --> 00:01:47,432 I've been to a car-swapping party. 5 00:01:47,607 --> 00:01:50,770 - Car-swapping party ? - Yeah, it's great. 6 00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:55,244 The men stand in a circle and throw their wives in the middle. 7 00:01:55,415 --> 00:01:59,317 You pick one and she escorts you to your car. 8 00:02:00,553 --> 00:02:04,819 - You're not married. - No, that's why I came home on the bus. 9 00:02:05,992 --> 00:02:10,554 - It's parked outside. - Great banter. I'm bereft of ribs. 10 00:02:10,730 --> 00:02:14,496 Now perhaps we could dally with the truth ? 11 00:02:14,667 --> 00:02:17,135 Right, OK. 12 00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:20,363 I was struck by lightning... 13 00:02:20,540 --> 00:02:22,167 ...and, er... et cetera. 14 00:02:22,342 --> 00:02:25,709 Several hours ago, you left to get two fish suppers. 15 00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:29,110 I gave you �1.75. Where's my halibut ? 16 00:02:30,683 --> 00:02:35,245 OK, here we go. �1.75, yeah, I remember that. 17 00:02:35,421 --> 00:02:37,753 Was that today ? 18 00:02:37,924 --> 00:02:42,827 The town planners are irresponsible to put the Lamb and Flag 19 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:46,124 bang next door to Neptune's Pantry. 20 00:02:46,299 --> 00:02:48,961 - You mean... - Yes... 21 00:02:49,802 --> 00:02:52,635 ...I have liquidised your assets. 22 00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:56,308 - Sit down ! - I am sitting down. 23 00:02:56,476 --> 00:02:58,842 You're squirling around like an evil dervish. 24 00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:02,140 Do you want a fight, or what ? 25 00:03:03,616 --> 00:03:07,746 Nice bit of interior design ! 26 00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:09,855 Hey ! Oh ! 27 00:03:12,058 --> 00:03:15,892 I've just found a quid ! Right, I'm off out. 28 00:03:16,062 --> 00:03:19,259 Tell the wife I'll be home around eight. 29 00:03:19,432 --> 00:03:23,493 - Whose wife ? - Anybody's. I don't know where I'm going. 30 00:03:24,470 --> 00:03:26,097 Ta-ra ! 31 00:03:33,613 --> 00:03:36,946 OK, I give in. Where's the front door gone ? 32 00:03:37,951 --> 00:03:41,478 How did you get so drunk on �1.75 ? 33 00:03:43,189 --> 00:03:46,556 There's a sale on at the chemist's. 34 00:03:49,429 --> 00:03:55,061 - What do you mean ? - Old Spice, 25p a bottle. 35 00:04:00,473 --> 00:04:02,532 Where'd the floor go ? 36 00:04:02,709 --> 00:04:05,769 Lordy, Lordy, every single night. 37 00:04:05,945 --> 00:04:09,574 I can't complain. He's only been drunk once. 38 00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:12,411 Trouble is, it's lasted 17 years so far. 39 00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:18,123 A-ha ! Welcome to Eddie's Bar. 40 00:04:19,892 --> 00:04:22,326 There you are, my little beauty. 41 00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:31,667 A-haa ! Wooh ! That's better. 42 00:04:31,838 --> 00:04:34,773 Taxi for the Copacabana ! 43 00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:38,035 Oh, no, not the bleach ! Eddie ! 44 00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:39,610 Eddie ? 45 00:04:40,546 --> 00:04:42,138 Eddie ! 46 00:04:42,715 --> 00:04:44,239 Right ! 47 00:04:58,064 --> 00:04:59,622 Right... 48 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:04,463 Eddie ! Eddie ! 49 00:05:04,637 --> 00:05:06,901 Bloody hell ! 50 00:05:09,609 --> 00:05:13,670 Well, that's just effing marvellous ! 51 00:05:13,846 --> 00:05:17,475 That's the fun evening in with the fish supper. 52 00:05:17,650 --> 00:05:21,381 Oh ! I don't know why I bother ! 53 00:05:21,554 --> 00:05:24,853 I've cleared the decks, hoovered, ironed. 54 00:05:25,024 --> 00:05:28,118 I even had a go at flushing the toilet. 55 00:05:28,294 --> 00:05:30,888 Oh, well, off we go again. 56 00:05:31,064 --> 00:05:35,501 Why do I do it ? Because I'm a nice person. 57 00:05:35,668 --> 00:05:38,865 Righty-ho. Where's the noose ? 58 00:05:46,746 --> 00:05:50,079 Thank you, Lord, for making me such a nice person. 59 00:05:50,249 --> 00:05:54,413 There's not many of us - just me, Jesus and Mahatma Gandhi. 60 00:05:55,421 --> 00:05:57,912 Actually, I'm a lot nicer than them two ! 61 00:05:58,091 --> 00:06:03,461 Jesus had problems, but he didn't have to put Eddie to bed every night. 62 00:06:06,065 --> 00:06:07,498 Right. 63 00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:09,635 Do your balls hang low ? Can you swing 'em to and fro ? 64 00:06:09,802 --> 00:06:11,770 Can you tie 'em in a knot ? Can you tie 'em in a bow ? 65 00:06:11,938 --> 00:06:13,929 Do you get a funny feeling when they're hanging from the ceiling ? 66 00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:16,268 You'll never be a sailor if your balls hang low 67 00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:32,221 Take it easy, Selina, we've got all night. 68 00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:35,793 Heave-ho, heave-ho ! 69 00:06:37,130 --> 00:06:41,294 Do your worst, slanty-eyed fiend. I won't talk ! 70 00:06:42,435 --> 00:06:47,463 Good evening, Your Majesty. I can see your pants. 71 00:06:53,813 --> 00:06:58,147 - What ? What ? - Bedtime, Eddie ! 72 00:06:58,317 --> 00:07:00,945 Right, bedtime. 73 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:03,281 - Night-night. - Nighty-night. 74 00:07:04,624 --> 00:07:07,115 Five, four, three, two, one... 75 00:07:09,796 --> 00:07:14,529 Well, nighty-night, then. Er... 76 00:07:33,419 --> 00:07:35,944 Eddie, is that you, Eddie ? 77 00:07:39,759 --> 00:07:42,592 Oh, God, there's someone downstairs ! Eddie ! 78 00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:46,055 Eddie ! 79 00:07:46,232 --> 00:07:48,200 Eddie ! 80 00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:54,435 - What the bloody hell... - Shh ! Listen ! 81 00:07:54,607 --> 00:07:58,941 Don't panic, but we've got some trouble downstairs. 82 00:08:00,379 --> 00:08:02,506 That's no reason to wake me up ! 83 00:08:02,682 --> 00:08:06,914 - Change your pants and see the doctor. - No, Eddie... 84 00:08:08,955 --> 00:08:12,083 I think someone's in the drawing room. 85 00:08:12,258 --> 00:08:16,490 - The what room ? - The drawing room. 86 00:08:16,662 --> 00:08:22,567 I don't think I've been in there. We've got a room just for drawing in ? 87 00:08:22,735 --> 00:08:26,865 You're so common. Do you call it "the snug" or "the saloon" ? 88 00:08:27,039 --> 00:08:30,099 - Oh, the lounge. - Yes, the louuuunge. 89 00:08:30,276 --> 00:08:33,473 There's someone in the louuuunge. 90 00:08:33,646 --> 00:08:38,379 - That's sorted, then. I'm off to bed. See you. - Eddie, no... 91 00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:44,247 - Oh, God, what are we gonna do ? - What about ? 92 00:08:44,423 --> 00:08:49,554 - The burglars ! - You mean we've got burglars downstairs ? 93 00:08:49,729 --> 00:08:52,425 - In the sketching room ? - Yes ! 94 00:08:52,598 --> 00:08:55,123 Aghhhh ! 95 00:08:57,870 --> 00:09:00,464 - OK ! - All right ? 96 00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:04,303 - Yes, thank you. Oh, Rich... - Yeah ? 97 00:09:07,713 --> 00:09:10,238 - Settled ? - Settled. 98 00:09:10,416 --> 00:09:12,816 Now what are we going to do ? 99 00:09:13,819 --> 00:09:15,844 Shit our pants ? 100 00:09:17,356 --> 00:09:19,916 - I've done that. - Thought so. 101 00:09:20,092 --> 00:09:23,220 - I'm on to stage two. - What about surrender ? 102 00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:27,833 Good idea. No, no... They might beat us up. 103 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:31,299 And cut our bodies into 1,000 pieces ? 104 00:09:31,470 --> 00:09:35,566 - Skin us alive. - Then put on our skins. 105 00:09:35,741 --> 00:09:39,939 Do foul depraved lovemaking to our twitching corpses. 106 00:09:40,112 --> 00:09:44,640 - And eat our livers. - Drink our blood ! 107 00:09:44,817 --> 00:09:50,278 - Play cricket with our hearts. - Using our love truncheons as wickets. 108 00:09:50,456 --> 00:09:54,859 And do pagan dancing, flapping our skins about. 109 00:09:55,027 --> 00:09:59,259 Smearing naked girlies' breasts with our throbbing brains. 110 00:10:00,232 --> 00:10:04,566 - Not much of an option. - No. Given the choice, I'd skip it. 111 00:10:09,075 --> 00:10:13,637 - That sounded like the Chesterfield. - It wasn't that far away. 112 00:10:14,313 --> 00:10:16,372 What if they're looking for drugs ? 113 00:10:17,783 --> 00:10:21,412 - We haven't got any. - They'll be here all night ! 114 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:25,618 Why don't we chuck a Lemsip downstairs ? 115 00:10:26,325 --> 00:10:29,055 Eddie, these are hard men. 116 00:10:29,228 --> 00:10:35,189 They've been snowballing heroin all night. A lemon drink won't assuage them ! 117 00:10:35,368 --> 00:10:39,134 Got it ! Bisodol should get them on the move. 118 00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:44,265 You'll have to go down, fight them off and phone the police. 119 00:10:44,443 --> 00:10:46,502 - What ?! - Where are you going ? 120 00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:48,670 Leicester. Give me a call when it's over. 121 00:10:52,018 --> 00:10:56,079 Only joking. It's very good for morale. Look ! 122 00:10:57,390 --> 00:11:01,349 - What's that ? - My mother's service revolver. 123 00:11:01,961 --> 00:11:05,453 - Your mother's ? - It's all I was bequeathed. 124 00:11:05,631 --> 00:11:10,125 She left me, the carrycot and this revolver on the doorstep. 125 00:11:10,302 --> 00:11:15,934 And a note saying, "Please look after my baby. I can't be bothered." 126 00:11:17,476 --> 00:11:20,673 - She was a wonderful mother. - How do you know ? 127 00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:23,644 I saw the article in the "Police Gazette". 128 00:11:23,816 --> 00:11:26,910 Off you go, downstairs, and see 'em off. 129 00:11:27,086 --> 00:11:30,886 - Are you joking ? - What's the gun for, then ? 130 00:11:31,057 --> 00:11:34,584 - To shoot the lock off the roof hatch. - Good idea. 131 00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:40,289 - Why don't we use the key ? - It's always the same with you ! 132 00:11:40,466 --> 00:11:46,871 Any problem, you find a simple, sensible solution and everything's okey-dokey. 133 00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:51,271 I get one chance in my life to look a bit sexy, 134 00:11:51,444 --> 00:11:54,277 to look a bit like Clint Eastwood... 135 00:11:54,447 --> 00:12:00,408 I don't wanna be called Eddie any more. I wanna be called Dirty Eddie. 136 00:12:00,586 --> 00:12:05,956 - Out the way, punk. I'll shoot the lock. - Do you want to be skinned and buggered ? 137 00:12:06,125 --> 00:12:08,889 I'd like to see you try ! 138 00:12:09,829 --> 00:12:12,662 Not me, I'm talking about the burglars. 139 00:12:12,832 --> 00:12:17,895 They'll hear the gun. We'll take the key and unlock the door. 140 00:12:19,972 --> 00:12:21,963 Where's the ladder gone ? 141 00:12:22,708 --> 00:12:28,010 The police confiscated it when the nurses moved in next door. 142 00:12:28,180 --> 00:12:32,640 - Bend over and I'll climb on your back. - Okey-dokey, Skip. 143 00:12:36,388 --> 00:12:37,855 Careful. 144 00:12:41,093 --> 00:12:43,527 That sounds like the Sheffield. 145 00:12:45,164 --> 00:12:49,362 - Eddie, help ! - I'll switch the light on. 146 00:12:49,535 --> 00:12:51,366 No, Eddie ! 147 00:12:59,044 --> 00:13:02,810 - Help ! Eddie, they've got me ! - Stand to one side. 148 00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:11,056 Oh... Aghh ! Eddie, I've got one ! 149 00:13:11,223 --> 00:13:13,555 I've got you covered. 150 00:13:13,726 --> 00:13:17,662 - Up you get ! Into the colouring-in room. - Yeah ! 151 00:13:20,166 --> 00:13:22,634 - Sit on that chair. - Thank you. 152 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:27,102 We bloody well did it ! Thought you could take on us, 153 00:13:27,273 --> 00:13:30,333 take on the Hammersmith hard men ? 154 00:13:30,509 --> 00:13:35,879 I'm a Falklands veteran and Eddie's... got a special type of gun. 155 00:13:36,048 --> 00:13:39,575 - So watch it ! - I think you've broken my rib. 156 00:13:39,752 --> 00:13:43,449 Gosh, you've got a big bottom ! 157 00:13:43,622 --> 00:13:46,785 - Eddie, tie him up. - Yeah, tie him up. 158 00:13:46,959 --> 00:13:50,986 - Give him a bit of his own medicine. - Then a bit of MY medicine. 159 00:13:51,163 --> 00:13:57,432 - You don't know what I've got yet. - I can't see the rope anywhere. 160 00:13:57,603 --> 00:14:03,098 - We can't see the rope anywhere. Scared ? - Yeah ! 161 00:14:03,275 --> 00:14:07,678 - What about Blu-Tack ? - Yeah. 162 00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:11,408 Well, no, that's a crap idea, isn't it ? 163 00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:14,951 - Yeah, just joshing, Chief. - Yeah. 164 00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,782 Just toying with you, punky. 165 00:14:17,957 --> 00:14:21,552 - What about... sellotape ? - Do it, Eddie ! 166 00:14:27,433 --> 00:14:33,133 All right, Buster, I want some answers and I want 'em damn quick. 167 00:14:33,305 --> 00:14:35,933 But not so quick that I can't understand. 168 00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:38,972 - Richie ! - Excuse me. 169 00:14:39,144 --> 00:14:42,739 - What ? - Shall I make him sweat, Chief ? 170 00:14:42,915 --> 00:14:47,784 - How ? - An overcoat and hot water bottles. 171 00:14:47,953 --> 00:14:51,582 No, we've got to break him psychologically. 172 00:14:51,757 --> 00:14:53,486 Watch this. 173 00:15:02,134 --> 00:15:04,125 Hello. 174 00:15:07,339 --> 00:15:09,170 Excuse me. 175 00:15:09,341 --> 00:15:15,678 - Damn ! What do you say ? - Nothing, just slap 'em about a bit. 176 00:15:15,848 --> 00:15:21,548 - Good ! Did you train for this sort of work ? - No, but my uncle worked in a prison. 177 00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:25,417 - What did he do ? - Peeled potatoes, sewed mailbags... 178 00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:29,391 Right, slap him about a bit. Off I go. 179 00:15:29,561 --> 00:15:32,621 Do I look good, 'cause I feel great ! 180 00:15:39,838 --> 00:15:43,365 OK, Eddie, take over. Break the mother. 181 00:15:43,542 --> 00:15:47,308 - Has his mum turned up ? - No ! Question him. 182 00:15:47,479 --> 00:15:48,878 Ah. 183 00:16:02,061 --> 00:16:04,052 So... 184 00:16:04,897 --> 00:16:08,060 ...did you see "Emmerdale Farm" last night ? 185 00:16:08,233 --> 00:16:11,828 - Eddie, a word. - Excuse us. 186 00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:18,166 - It's the wrong question. - You think he's a "Brookside" man ? 187 00:16:18,344 --> 00:16:22,713 No ! You're an embarrassment, a real embarrassment ! 188 00:16:22,881 --> 00:16:28,444 We want to look hard, and you make us look like two git-faced scaredy-cat turnips. 189 00:16:29,188 --> 00:16:32,783 - That's what we are. - But we don't want him to know that ! 190 00:16:32,958 --> 00:16:35,518 It'll undermine our power base. 191 00:16:36,261 --> 00:16:41,096 This is ridiculous. Where are the real police ? We haven't got the training for this. 192 00:16:43,068 --> 00:16:45,400 Police, who do you think ? 193 00:16:46,739 --> 00:16:49,503 Evening. It's 11 Mafeking Parade. 194 00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:52,371 - Get some officers here now... - Richie ! 195 00:16:53,879 --> 00:16:57,576 We won't be needing them. There's no burglary. Sorry. 196 00:16:57,750 --> 00:17:01,948 I must have been sleep-telephoning again. Night ! 197 00:17:03,455 --> 00:17:07,152 - Christ, Eddie... - This is worth thousands ! 198 00:17:07,326 --> 00:17:10,318 - Let's keep it. - No, let's flog it. 199 00:17:10,496 --> 00:17:12,691 - Sell up. - The Bahamas ! 200 00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:14,196 - Birds ! - Booze ! 201 00:17:14,366 --> 00:17:16,596 - Breasts ! - Busfuls of dusky maidens... 202 00:17:16,769 --> 00:17:20,432 ...fulfilling every sordid... ...whim. 203 00:17:20,606 --> 00:17:23,302 And a slap-up grill for two. 204 00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:27,411 Whatever you fancy ! Let's go ! 205 00:17:27,579 --> 00:17:30,013 Oh, we're going to Barbados... 206 00:17:31,383 --> 00:17:33,874 - Wait a minute. - What ? 207 00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:37,454 - What about him ? - Damn ! 208 00:17:38,991 --> 00:17:42,290 We'll have to get rid of him somehow. 209 00:17:42,461 --> 00:17:45,658 Well, nobody knows he's here. 210 00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:48,858 We could kill him. 211 00:17:49,468 --> 00:17:51,766 Excuse us. Eddie, a word. 212 00:17:55,874 --> 00:18:00,811 - What did you just say ? - He's outside the law, isn't he ? 213 00:18:00,979 --> 00:18:04,676 I mean, he made the decision. 214 00:18:05,350 --> 00:18:10,481 Are you suggesting we murder this defenceless burglar without a trial 215 00:18:10,656 --> 00:18:14,387 - just so we can live the high life ? - Yes. 216 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:17,927 Bloody good idea ! 217 00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:20,895 How shall we do it ? Er, how will you do it ? 218 00:18:21,066 --> 00:18:23,967 We should give him the old fish fingers. 219 00:18:24,136 --> 00:18:27,196 They've been in there for months. 220 00:18:27,372 --> 00:18:33,038 - We had them last Thursday. - Did we ? That's why I lost three stone. 221 00:18:33,212 --> 00:18:36,841 That was you, was it ? I've been trying to flush that for days ! 222 00:18:38,150 --> 00:18:43,486 Mind you, I like the poison motif, that's very good. 223 00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:49,584 - What about pigeon pellets ? - You don't die from eating pigeon poo. 224 00:18:49,761 --> 00:18:55,131 No, the pellets the council bunged up there to kill the pigeons. 225 00:18:55,300 --> 00:19:00,237 Good idea. I'll put the kettle on, you go and grab some. 226 00:19:00,405 --> 00:19:04,432 No, Eddie, it's too dangerous. You'll have to do it. 227 00:19:04,610 --> 00:19:07,602 - Why me ? - You're stupider than me. 228 00:19:07,779 --> 00:19:12,045 - I wish I understood that. - Hurry along. 229 00:19:12,217 --> 00:19:15,482 I wonder how this endeavour will end ? 230 00:19:18,123 --> 00:19:22,457 Just making a cup of tea, Mr Burglar. Won't be long. 231 00:19:24,196 --> 00:19:25,493 How's it going ? 232 00:19:26,298 --> 00:19:29,495 It's a bit tricky. 233 00:19:29,668 --> 00:19:34,571 I can't quite reach it from here. If I lean on it, I'll go through. 234 00:19:34,740 --> 00:19:37,937 Distribute your weight all at the same time. 235 00:19:38,110 --> 00:19:41,807 Lower yourself over the area and it'll hold. 236 00:19:42,981 --> 00:19:46,007 OK ! 237 00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:52,354 Well, did you get it ? 238 00:19:55,260 --> 00:19:59,094 Yep, here we go ! Doesn't matter about the roof. 239 00:19:59,264 --> 00:20:02,700 I mean, we'll be in grass skirts from now on. 240 00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:04,893 Right ! 241 00:20:06,538 --> 00:20:09,302 One lump or two, Mr Burglar ? 242 00:20:11,910 --> 00:20:15,038 Here we are, three cups of steaming tea. 243 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,648 Let's do it ! 244 00:20:22,020 --> 00:20:25,683 Lovely evening. Eddie, take off his gag. 245 00:20:29,595 --> 00:20:33,463 Where's his moustache ? Oh, there it is. 246 00:20:33,632 --> 00:20:37,500 - Well, you won't be needing it anyway. - Shh ! Eddie ! 247 00:20:37,669 --> 00:20:41,070 - What does he mean, I won't need it ? - Er... 248 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:45,074 Eddie's insane. He doesn't mean anything. 249 00:20:45,711 --> 00:20:51,809 Yes, that's right ! Er... Uh-huh-heeh ! You're going to die. 250 00:20:51,984 --> 00:20:56,250 See ? Complete gibberish. Cup of tea, Mr Burglar ? 251 00:20:56,421 --> 00:20:59,083 Eddie, which one's got the... ? 252 00:21:00,626 --> 00:21:03,060 - The what ? - The... 253 00:21:03,228 --> 00:21:08,530 - The hand in it ? - Coo ! Coo ! 254 00:21:08,700 --> 00:21:10,133 K-k-kew... 255 00:21:10,302 --> 00:21:13,635 - The owl in it ? - How many syllables ? 256 00:21:13,805 --> 00:21:16,638 Put his gag on and come to the corner. 257 00:21:18,377 --> 00:21:24,077 - No, which one's got the poison in it ? - The yellow one ! 258 00:21:25,584 --> 00:21:28,246 Eddie, they're all yellow ! 259 00:21:28,453 --> 00:21:31,945 - It'll be one of them, then ! - But which one ? 260 00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:36,857 A-ha ! The one with the poison in ! 261 00:21:37,562 --> 00:21:39,393 Right, hold this. 262 00:21:52,344 --> 00:21:55,177 Right, let's get on, shall we ? 263 00:21:55,347 --> 00:21:59,841 Sorry, but you'll have to drink all three. Eddie, take off his gag. 264 00:22:00,886 --> 00:22:04,617 - No, you've put something in it ! - Get it down you ! 265 00:22:06,058 --> 00:22:08,492 That's it. Another two. 266 00:22:13,398 --> 00:22:16,731 Right, this shouldn't take long. Let's have a sit-down. 267 00:22:21,673 --> 00:22:25,439 Not all glamour, this murdering business. Sorry, faux pas. 268 00:22:26,278 --> 00:22:29,076 Eddie, change the subject ! 269 00:22:30,415 --> 00:22:35,443 Er... Did you know that the common gnat only lives for two hours 270 00:22:35,620 --> 00:22:39,215 but makes love 169 times ! 271 00:22:39,791 --> 00:22:43,591 Extraordinary ! That's the mirror opposite of my life ! 272 00:22:44,062 --> 00:22:46,223 Oh, that old chestnut, love. 273 00:22:47,566 --> 00:22:52,936 Ooh, I'm parched. He's had three cups of tea and he's the burglar ! 274 00:22:53,105 --> 00:22:55,300 How are you feeling ? 275 00:22:59,144 --> 00:23:01,271 - Police ! 276 00:23:01,446 --> 00:23:03,778 Ah ! Ah ! Ah ! Ah ! Ahhh ! 277 00:23:06,017 --> 00:23:08,542 Eddie, it's the bogies ! 278 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:13,020 You hide the body and I'll get rid of the police. 279 00:23:18,797 --> 00:23:22,665 Hello, Officer. Anything wrong ? I was asleep. 280 00:23:22,834 --> 00:23:27,430 - We were told you were being burgled. - Oh, no ! 281 00:23:27,606 --> 00:23:33,135 I've been sleep-telephoning again. Sorry to trouble you. Goodbye ! 282 00:23:34,112 --> 00:23:38,515 - Do you mind if we come in ? - I've got nothing in... 283 00:23:45,891 --> 00:23:49,691 Sure everything's OK ? It's a bit of a mess. 284 00:23:49,861 --> 00:23:53,092 Sorry, me again. Sleep-vomiting. 285 00:23:56,168 --> 00:23:57,499 A-hem ! 286 00:24:02,908 --> 00:24:05,809 Good evening, Officer. 287 00:24:05,977 --> 00:24:09,777 You all right ? You have a pencil up your nose. 288 00:24:10,882 --> 00:24:13,146 Oh, yes. 289 00:24:13,318 --> 00:24:15,548 I've been sleep-doodling. 290 00:24:17,556 --> 00:24:19,751 I'm very bad at it ! 291 00:24:21,660 --> 00:24:24,060 You realise this paper's upside down, sir ? 292 00:24:26,798 --> 00:24:29,699 So are my eyes ! 293 00:24:32,871 --> 00:24:34,702 Hmm... 294 00:24:43,849 --> 00:24:46,750 Did you buy this conservatory in Beirut ? 295 00:24:46,918 --> 00:24:50,149 Great heavens, we've been sleep-glazing again ! 296 00:24:51,323 --> 00:24:53,348 Oh, bugger ! 297 00:24:54,192 --> 00:24:59,494 Right, now, look, sir, I'm not sure what's going on here. 298 00:24:59,664 --> 00:25:04,829 It must be someone's birthday. But whatever it is, just STOP IT ! 299 00:25:05,003 --> 00:25:07,631 OK ! Thanks for popping round. 300 00:25:07,806 --> 00:25:10,274 Well done on the Birmingham Six ! 301 00:25:11,710 --> 00:25:16,670 Hurrah for the filth ! I mean the pigs. Er, the narks. 302 00:25:16,848 --> 00:25:18,782 Damn, I'm sleep-slanging again ! 303 00:25:20,151 --> 00:25:22,278 Whack him, Jenkins. 304 00:25:26,625 --> 00:25:31,085 - Bloody hell, that was close ! - Close ? He got me ! 305 00:25:31,263 --> 00:25:33,754 Can't get much closer than that. 306 00:25:33,932 --> 00:25:37,595 - Where in Hades is the body ? - A-ha ! 307 00:25:42,807 --> 00:25:45,173 How fiendish ! Eddie, a masterstroke. 308 00:25:46,678 --> 00:25:49,408 - How do we get him down ? - Oh... 309 00:25:50,849 --> 00:25:53,215 We'll bash him down with the broom. 310 00:25:59,457 --> 00:26:03,416 No, we'll have to hook a rope round him. 311 00:26:03,595 --> 00:26:08,589 We could feed him sandwiches until he puts on enough weight till the sellotape gives way. 312 00:26:10,068 --> 00:26:15,028 Or we could drill holes in the bedroom floor and poke through with long thin things. 313 00:26:15,206 --> 00:26:16,537 Eddie ? 314 00:26:35,060 --> 00:26:38,689 What's happening ? Where are my clothes ? 315 00:26:38,863 --> 00:26:42,492 It's outrageous ! You can see my underpants ! 316 00:26:42,667 --> 00:26:47,104 Where have these mousetraps come from ? Don't move a muscle ! 317 00:26:47,973 --> 00:26:53,001 - There's a note sellotaped to my knee ! - What does it say ? 318 00:26:53,745 --> 00:26:55,076 Er... 319 00:26:55,246 --> 00:26:58,409 "Sue Carpenter". 320 00:26:58,583 --> 00:26:59,982 Oh, no !